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Anticipation

Growing up, I had many dreams, as all children do. My biggest dream was to marry a man whom I was crazy about (and who was just as crazy about me) and start a family. I have dreamt about being a mother for as long as I can remember. So when I learned I was pregnant with Benjamin, I cried tears of joy and thanked God for the amazing gift he bestowed on me. My dream had come true. I was married to a wonderful man and we were about to welcome our first child into the world. All was as it should be.

We spent the next nine months meticulously planning for Benjamin's arrival and relishing the special moments of my first pregnancy. The first time we saw him on the ultrasound machine, the first moment we heard his precious heart beating, that first flutter in my stomach that finally convinced me there was a baby in there, and then the first time Nathan got to feel him kick while we were laying in bed one night. We counted off each week and I poured over my pregnancy books, name books, nursery decorating guides, and infant care manuals. We took pictures of my growing stomach every month and eagerly attended our birthing classes. Every single moment was exciting. And truly, every day since Benjamin was born has been new and thrilling. The first smile, babble, the moment he first crawled and then walked, his first word...this new world of parenting is truly amazing.

So when Nathan and I wanted to add a second little one to our family, my excitement was tempered with slight worry. What if my second pregnancy wasn't as thrilling to me as my first? I had experienced this all before, so what if the newness was gone? Would I still have that same anticipation as I did with Benjamin? I wasn't even pregnant yet and aleady I felt mommy guilt for my soon-to-be second child.

I needn't have worried. I anxiously took pregnancy test after test, waiting for a positive result. When it came, I again cried tears of joy and said a prayer of thanks. I excitedly told Nathan the news and planned out the most perfect way to share it with our friends and family. I pulled out all my books and began scouring them for details on the development of my newest baby. I couldn't wait for the first ultrasound and proudly showed off the pictures to anyone who would look. I've been trying out names and taught Benjamin to say "baby" while pointing at my stomach.

The truth is, when I was pregnant with Benjamin, he was kind of an abstract idea until he actually was born. I thought I knew how I would feel when I finally saw his face for the first time and counted his fingers and toes, but it was just a guess. A parent truly doesn't understand the love for a child until they have one of their own. Now that I know just how powerful that love is, I already feel it forming with our second baby. I can't wait to see what God has created for us this time. Actually, I already know...perfection.
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