Five years ago today I married my best friend. Nathan and I celebrated our anniversary by experiencing a night away at the same resort we spent our wedding night at, the Sycamore Mineral Springs in Avila. It brought back so many memories of our special day, when we exchanged vows that spoke of love, honor, and commitment to each other all the rest of our days. So in honor of our five year anniversary, I'd like to list five major things I've learned about marriage:
1. Marriage takes a lot of hard work and sacrifice, but the payoff is incredible.
Nathan and I knew that the days after our wedding wouldn't just melt into happily-ever-after, but I don't think we expected real life to hit us so quickly. The first year of our marriage was hard. Melding two lives into one can be incredibly trying when it comes to things like money, families, roles, and even seemingly trivial things like tastes in furniture styles and cuisine. However, we have spent an inordinate amount of time and attention to our relationship and we are now really starting to reap the rewards of our hard work. It is such a joy to go through life with someone who feels the same way about you that you do about them. Today, I love my husband more than I did the day I married him and I know that he would say the same about me.
2. "Me" must turn into "us" to make a marriage successful.
There is simply no room for the word "me" when it comes to marriage. That doesn't mean that you have to give up your sense of self identity and your own likes and interests when you commit your life to another person, but it means that you must always consider your spouse in your decision-making. That includes big things (what kind of car to purchase, career changes, budgets, etc) and small things (what to make for dinner, the color of the living room walls, and choosing what movie to see on date night.) While Nathan and I do have our own interests and we take time to pursue them, we also make an effort to find things we can do together. Along with that, pretty much all of my friends are spouses of his friends, which makes it nice when we want to go out and socialize. In this way our individual friendships can easily meld into group friendships, which leads me to my next item...
3. It is so important to surround yourself with other married couples, especially those that have relationships you admire.
Nathan and I were lucky enough to be invited into a weekly bible study filled with seven other young married couples. What a blessing it was to come back from our honeymoon and instantly get plugged in with a group of Christians whom we could discuss the ups and downs of marriage life and get practical, honest advice on how to be the spouses that God wanted us to be. We spent four years in a group like this and now are involved in a one-on-one marriage mentor relationship with an amazing couple who have been married for 30 + years. Each week they share their wisdom with us, which has just been absolutely priceless for Nathan and I, which again leads to the next item on my list...
4. Never stop learning about your spouse and how to make your marriage stronger.
Even before we got engaged, Nathan and I attended couples conferences with his parents up at Hume Lake Christian Camp. Since we started going in 2004, I think we've been to at least half a dozen, with plans to attend more in the future. At these retreats we learn what a Godly marriage looks like and how to attain that for our own relationship. It's not only a time for us to get away from our busy lives at home so we can focus on each other, but also a time for us to work on improving our relationship as husband and wife. We also do bible studies and single day seminars and read countless books on the subject of marriage. We never stop trying to improve our relationship.
5. Marriage is not always 50/50.
In today's world, we expect everything to be fair. Well, one of the hardest lessons I have learned since getting married is that marriage isn't fair or equal all the time. In fact, it rarely is equal. There are times in our married life that Nathan just needs my full attention and can only return the bare minimal he has to give. Other times, it's the opposite. One time that really stands out for me is right after we had Benjamin and I was suffering from hormones and exhaustion. Those first few months at home, Nathan was super dad and super husband. He took care of the two of us in a way that I had never seen him do. While I was crying over spilt milk (literally spilt milk) he swooped in and got me calmed down and the baby fed, all at 2:00 in the morning. He built my self-esteem back up as a woman and as a mother and loved on our new infant son like he'd been doing it all his life. I honestly don't know what I would have done without him. And in the reverse situation, when Nathan was attending paramedic school and completing his internship and clinicals and working full time and trying to buy his first house, I stepped up in total support. I helped him with his studying, his laundry, and appointment scheduling. Yes, sometimes I felt like his maid and secretary (and we weren't even married yet!) but I loved him and only wanted to see him succeed and be happy, so I did what I had to do.
In conclusion, I think the most important thing to keep a marriage going is commitment. Nathan and I have never allowed the d-word to be an option for us. We meant what we said on our wedding day, that we would take each other as husband and wife, for better for worse, as long as we both shall live. Since divorce is not a choice in our home, we are committed to making our marriage the best it can be, just the way God intended.
Happy 5th anniversary, Nathan. I truly love you more than words can say.
1. Marriage takes a lot of hard work and sacrifice, but the payoff is incredible.
Nathan and I knew that the days after our wedding wouldn't just melt into happily-ever-after, but I don't think we expected real life to hit us so quickly. The first year of our marriage was hard. Melding two lives into one can be incredibly trying when it comes to things like money, families, roles, and even seemingly trivial things like tastes in furniture styles and cuisine. However, we have spent an inordinate amount of time and attention to our relationship and we are now really starting to reap the rewards of our hard work. It is such a joy to go through life with someone who feels the same way about you that you do about them. Today, I love my husband more than I did the day I married him and I know that he would say the same about me.
2. "Me" must turn into "us" to make a marriage successful.
There is simply no room for the word "me" when it comes to marriage. That doesn't mean that you have to give up your sense of self identity and your own likes and interests when you commit your life to another person, but it means that you must always consider your spouse in your decision-making. That includes big things (what kind of car to purchase, career changes, budgets, etc) and small things (what to make for dinner, the color of the living room walls, and choosing what movie to see on date night.) While Nathan and I do have our own interests and we take time to pursue them, we also make an effort to find things we can do together. Along with that, pretty much all of my friends are spouses of his friends, which makes it nice when we want to go out and socialize. In this way our individual friendships can easily meld into group friendships, which leads me to my next item...
3. It is so important to surround yourself with other married couples, especially those that have relationships you admire.
Nathan and I were lucky enough to be invited into a weekly bible study filled with seven other young married couples. What a blessing it was to come back from our honeymoon and instantly get plugged in with a group of Christians whom we could discuss the ups and downs of marriage life and get practical, honest advice on how to be the spouses that God wanted us to be. We spent four years in a group like this and now are involved in a one-on-one marriage mentor relationship with an amazing couple who have been married for 30 + years. Each week they share their wisdom with us, which has just been absolutely priceless for Nathan and I, which again leads to the next item on my list...
4. Never stop learning about your spouse and how to make your marriage stronger.
Even before we got engaged, Nathan and I attended couples conferences with his parents up at Hume Lake Christian Camp. Since we started going in 2004, I think we've been to at least half a dozen, with plans to attend more in the future. At these retreats we learn what a Godly marriage looks like and how to attain that for our own relationship. It's not only a time for us to get away from our busy lives at home so we can focus on each other, but also a time for us to work on improving our relationship as husband and wife. We also do bible studies and single day seminars and read countless books on the subject of marriage. We never stop trying to improve our relationship.
5. Marriage is not always 50/50.
In today's world, we expect everything to be fair. Well, one of the hardest lessons I have learned since getting married is that marriage isn't fair or equal all the time. In fact, it rarely is equal. There are times in our married life that Nathan just needs my full attention and can only return the bare minimal he has to give. Other times, it's the opposite. One time that really stands out for me is right after we had Benjamin and I was suffering from hormones and exhaustion. Those first few months at home, Nathan was super dad and super husband. He took care of the two of us in a way that I had never seen him do. While I was crying over spilt milk (literally spilt milk) he swooped in and got me calmed down and the baby fed, all at 2:00 in the morning. He built my self-esteem back up as a woman and as a mother and loved on our new infant son like he'd been doing it all his life. I honestly don't know what I would have done without him. And in the reverse situation, when Nathan was attending paramedic school and completing his internship and clinicals and working full time and trying to buy his first house, I stepped up in total support. I helped him with his studying, his laundry, and appointment scheduling. Yes, sometimes I felt like his maid and secretary (and we weren't even married yet!) but I loved him and only wanted to see him succeed and be happy, so I did what I had to do.
In conclusion, I think the most important thing to keep a marriage going is commitment. Nathan and I have never allowed the d-word to be an option for us. We meant what we said on our wedding day, that we would take each other as husband and wife, for better for worse, as long as we both shall live. Since divorce is not a choice in our home, we are committed to making our marriage the best it can be, just the way God intended.
Happy 5th anniversary, Nathan. I truly love you more than words can say.
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