A Journey to Love

Has it really been almost a year since I've wrote on this blog? I know that I posted my farewell to the Atascadero Fire Department back in March, but the last post before that occurred all the way back to last summer...yikes! So this is how blogs just fade away... Life is busy. Between all the duties that come along with being a wife and a mom, as well as my responsibilities outside of the home, I'm just exhausted at the end of the day. And truth be told, being a mother these days has not been fun, so I really haven't wanted to write about it.  Benjamin is hard. Really hard. As in, I usually cry at least a few times a week, if not daily, from sheer frustration with him. You've heard of the term "strong willed child?" Ben could be the poster child for that book. The two of us are so much alike. We both fight for control and power and we do it poorly, in the form of threats, screams, and hands thrown up in exasperation. On one particular night, the defian...

He took a box to work today. When I asked what for, he said, “So I can clean out my locker.” Oh. That . The next day, we stopped by the station to visit. “Hey, Benjamin, I’ve got a job for you! Come help me clean the engine,” the engineer called to our oldest child. As Ben helped Jason hose the fire engine down, the one his daddy has driven his entire career, I snapped a picture with my phone thinking “This is the last time he will get to do this here.” “I turned in my resignation letter today,” he quietly told me later, as the boys played in the ladder truck. I looked at my husband, watching for signs of sadness, regret, hoping he didn’t see it in my own eyes. Only one of us can mourn at a time, in order to boost the other up. We are a team, so I try to keep my heartache in check until I can read my husband’s emotions. He always gets first dibs, considering that it is he that is leaving a job of fourteen years, not me. At his going-away party last weekend, I was overwhelmed wit...

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I had great plans for this summer. It was going to be three months of unscheduled, relaxing bliss before diving into the business of fall. Umm, yeah...not so much. It started with a Memorial Weekend Camp out with the extended family and their extended family. We went to our local Santa Margarita Lake to celebrate cousins Wyatt, Weston, and Walker's birthday, as well as their dad, Uncle Ray's birthday. Yep, all four of their special days fall within six weeks of each other. So each night we sang happy birthday to at least one person, opened presents, and devoured sweet treats in their honor. It was tough, but we managed to get through it. :) In mid June, Benjamin was honored to be a part of my cousin Taylor's wedding to Kevin. He made such a cute ring bearer and it was just precious watching him pull the wagon his daddy made as a teenager down the aisle. The day was magical and filled with love and promise and hope. One week later, we loaded up the camper again and too...

Dear Benjamin, Last week, you turned four years old. I can't believe it's been that long since the very first day I met you. As cliche as it might be, it truly seems like yesterday I held you for the first time and anxiously awaited your first cries, signalling to me that you were okay. (You were.) Though our first days at home are a bit blurry, I clearly remember the overwhelming love I had for you from the minute we made eye contact. Do you know that love, Benjamin? Do you see it? Do you know how often I think of you, worry about you, pray for you? One of my favorite things to do is daydream about your future and reminisce about your past. It's been a hard year, between your last birthday and this one, for you and I, so I've relied on these mental escapes, as well as never-ceasing prayer to get us through. You see, Benjamin, you've got a couple of things going against you. You are my first born, which means you are the guinea pig, so to speak. I've never...

It was only supposed to be a four-week bible study . To be brutally honest, I was only going because I had heard it was about getting your house and schedule organized. I figured it would be a Martha-Stewart-meets-Jesus kind of thing. Count me in! I convinced Nathan that my being gone for the next four Tuesday evenings would greatly benefit our entire household. However, it was so much more than how to keep a tidy home. The title was "From the Inside Out...lining up your head, heart, and home with God's priorities for your life." To read more about how that study impacted my world, click here . Let it suffice to say that it really made me re-think my priorities and lit a fire in me to actually make some changes in my day-to-day living...not just think about them, but actually do them. So as the four weeks came to a close, I learned that the next six weeks of Tuesday Night Bible Study would be a Beth Moore DVD series on the book of James in the Bible. ...

Two weeks ago when I picked Benjamin up from school, one of his teachers met me at the door. "I need to talk to you about Benjamin," she said. Uh-oh. Those are usually not the words you want to hear as a parent. I braced myself. "He's not bad or anything. He isn't hitting other kids or anything like that," she started out. Well, that's good, right? I relaxed a tiny bit. "It's just that, well, he's the leader of the class," she continued. Really? The leader? I'd be lying if I didn't swell with pride at that moment. My kid, the leader! So, uh, what's the problem here? Leading is good, yes? "We like that he's the leader and all, and most of the time it's great...the kids all do what he says..." (Yes! That's my boy!) "...but last week a new student came into the class and Benjamin decided he didn't like him, so now none of the other children will play with this new little boy." Oh. The...

I taught Benjamin how to dial 911 in case there is ever an emergency in our home. He is so proud of himself for knowing how to do it, as am I. Let's just hope he never has to actually use these new skills...

Here's a little clip of some of the baby signs Brayden can do (and also just some of his general cuteness :)...

March and April have been busy in our household. Benjamin started preschool two days a week, which he absolutely loves. It's so fun to listen to his stories about his days away from me, even though his stock answer when we ask him what he did that day is "I don't know!" After a little coaxing, we are able to get a general idea of his day's activities, such as painting (I love when he brings home artwork!), games (he taught Nathan and I how to play leap frog-I had to dissuade him from playing with baby brother.) and snack...we always hear about snack. I think it's his favorite part of school. Benjamin is still attending Awanas each Wednesday evening and I so enjoy listening to him sing "Jesus Loves Me" while eating dinner, taking a bath, playing with his toys, and even while going potty. It truly warms my heart. Nathan has been taking a welding class at Cuesta two nights a week, which he thoroughly enjoys. Even though it keeps him away from home mo...

It hit me tonight. Benjamin is growing up. There are so many things he can do on his own now and it seems that he has mastered a ton of them all in the last week. Here is just a sampling of his new found independence: He can get dressed and undressed by himself (fasteners are a little tricky still). Shoes are not a problem anymore (the Velcro ones anyway). Car doors are a piece of cake. He'll even open Brayden's door. Washing hands and face and brushing teeth come second nature to him. (Though I still like to have a turn with the teeth care. And I don't let him comb his beautiful curls himself. :) He can take his helmet on and off himself and is working on buckling his car seat himself, too. He can now reach all the light switches in the house, which leads me to... He has chores: Turning off all the lights before we leave Feeding Sadie twice a day Setting and clearing the dinner table While I love watching him learn all these new skills, it is a little bittersw...

I don't know quite what to do with myself this morning. My youngest child is napping and my oldest child is at his first day of preschool. I told Benjamin almost two months ago that I had signed him up for Little Hounds, a preschool put on by the Child Development class at the local high school, and he has been excited ever since. Every day he would ask me, "Is it March yet, Mom?" because he knew that once March arrived, he would get to start school. As soon as he got out of bed this morning, he announced that he was ready. I smiled and asked him if he might want some breakfast first. "I guess so," he replied. After finishing his bagel, getting dressed, brushing his hair and teeth (which was not accompanied by the usual tears and frustration...from either of us!) it was finally time. When we arrived, he walked right in, put his lunch box and jacket in his cubby, paused to give me a hug goodbye, and then he was off. To say that he was excited is a gross underst...