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Unexpected Love

Sometimes when I look at Benjamin, it literally feels like my heart is going to explode with the love that I feel for him. I know that is physically impossible, but I now understand why humans connect love with the heart. I watch my beautiful son and my chest gets tight, my stomach gets butterflies, and a lump forms in my throat, all out of pure love and joy for him. I marvel that God would give me this amazing child to call my own and sometimes I ask Nathan, "Did you ever think you would love Benjamin this much?" I sure didn't.

Before Benjamin was born, I thought I knew what mother's love was. I babysat all my nieces and nephews, and I nannied for two precious little girls and I thought that I loved them as much as I'd love my own children. And at that time in my life, I did love them as much as I was capable of. But I have since realized that when you have your own baby, God creates a new kind of love in you. It's a love that is so primal and fierce, it's indescribable. I would go to the moon and back for my son. I would gladly step in front of an oncoming vehicle to protect him. Like a mother bear protecting her cubs, I would challenge anyone who put him in danger. I happily sacrifice so Benjamin can have opportunities like swim lessons, a college education, and those oh-so-important stylish clothes. :)

Unfortunately, with this love comes fear. I worry about every aspect of his life: his physical well being and safety, his mental milestones and development, his emotional health, and his social skills and opportunities. My heart breaks when he is sad and it leaps for joy when he is happy. I cry with him when he is in pain and we laugh together when he is having fun. I want him to have the best of everything and never have to experience poverty, shame, or sorrow, even though I know that life's best lessons come from trials and hardships.

So, I think the hardest part about parenting might just be learning how to manage this all-consuming, overwhelming love for my children. I want to love him, not enable him. I want to protect him, but not stifle him. I want to encourage him, not do for him. Raising my son to be a godly, kind, generous, and responsible man is the best love of all.

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